You are hereAsk Gaston

Ask Gaston

January 1995


EDITOR'S NOTE:  Congratulations to Emily Postpile, Scree's regular advice
columnist, who has been selected for the 1995 Poulan Weed-Eater American
Express Earth Day Everest International Peace Climb and Chili Cook-off. 
Filling in for her here will be noted French climber Gaston Rabbitface. 
With an officially certified IQ of 107.328, Gaston is listed in the
Guiness Book of World Records as the World's Smartest Alpinist.  He will
be supplying Scree readers with mountain etiquette rules, route
information, gear tips and advice to the lovelorn.

Dear Gaston:  When we're splitting up gear at the trailhead, my partner
inevitably shows up with a tiny pack and asks for stuff that's "small but
heavy," rather than stuff that's "bulky and light".  After a few years of
this I am beginning to suspect he's scamming me.  What do you think?

My dear reader:  Let us all pause for a moment while Gaston lifts the
problems of the entire world onto his weary shoulders.  Uhhhnn!  That
ought to do it.  Now, as Gaston has repeatedly had to explain to that
chowderhead Carl Sagan, a black hole is small and heavy, while the Crab
Nebula is bulky and light.  Here on earth, even someone as cerebrally
challenged as you ought to be able to figure out that tea bags weigh less
than a North Face VE-25 tent.  Now go wipe that drool off your face.

Dear Gaston:  I have a crush on a cute woman who comes to PCS meetings, but
I don't know if she likes me.  What should I do?

My dear reader:  Gaston can only imagine what a chore it is for you to get
out of bed every day without a brain or a spine.  I have forwarded your
question to Ask Beth.  Look for your answer next week, right after one
about teenage masturbation.  Now go and trouble me no more.  Gaston has