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Mountaineering and Climbing Q & A from the Famous French Alpinist

November 2001

Noted French alpinist BÙtÈ AnchourÈ has agreed to answer mountaineering and
climbing questions from Scree readers when he returns from the mountains.† He
has just returned from first ascents of Grade-6/5.14 AD (Absurdly Difficult)
routes on Shishkaboob, the spire in Farflungoffistan.† He climbed and named
the routes "The Spy Who Grabbed Me" with noted American climber Ursula
Undress and also "For Your Thighs Only" with noted French climber,
Rebecca De Hornay.† Relaxing in his own private mud bath in his own private
Idaho summer home, he graciously answers questions from an enquiring mountaineering
community.

Question #1† Me and my boyfriend, James Pond, we climb regularly in
the crags near our home.† Recently, I have been noticing a change in his demeanor.†
He seems to be too much in touch with his feminine self.† Previously he hated
it when I kicked his ass in climbing, now he applauds me.† It is like, he has
become sensitive all of a sudden.† The other day, he was like, sobbing, at the
end of an episode of 'Sienfeld' and I was like, OMiGod.† What is going on?†
Please help.

- Concerned Chichi from Chechnya

Dear CheechMarina,

Normally, I would have asked you to take his inner child and kick his ass,
but this is a matter of great sensitivity and must be handled with delicacy,
just like the final move on 'BlunderBall'.† I suggest that you stop sharing
your 'Lemon Luna Bars' with him as they are only for women.† That may have been
the root cause of this strange transformation.† Continue to keep a close watch
on him and ask him to stay away from your 'Vanity Fair' catalogues.

Question #2† I have read recently that Viagra may be useful in reducing
the susceptibility of an individual to high altitude effects such as edemas
and may in fact promote faster high altitude acclimatization.† Do you have any
news or experience with this?

- Uma Knurlmann

Dear Uma,

The great BÙtÈ would never need such a chemical boost as my many lady acquaintances
can verify.† However, I have a French American friend, Legrand Johnson, who
claims to use Viagra while couloir climbing.† He says that in addition to providing
a faster acclimatization it simplifies the placing of ice screws.† Without the
Viagra, he has to prop himself away from the ice with one knee and stand on
one foot.† With the Viagra all he has to do is lean forward somewhat and gets
to stand on both feet.† This is supposedly a much more restful a stance.

Question #3† I have spent many years pursuing alpine routes in the California
Sierra and the regulatory trend has been to require bear canisters on more and
more trail heads.† I never have any problems with bears and this requirement
is annoying.† Are there more bears out there or am I missing something?

- Konrad B‰r

Dear Konrad,

Here in Europe there are no bears so I passed your question on to an American
working for the Department of the Interior.† He is Bure O'Crat and is the Undersecretary
of Bears and Other Mammals (UBOM).† His answer is that there are indeed many
more bears running amuck in North America.† The bears have splintered into many
sub species.† The state of Illinois is about run over with chicago bears.† California
has a bazillion golden bears and more than one or two badnewz bears.† The Nasdaq
has more bears than can be counted.† It is an epidemic.† He recommends following
the bear canister rules explicitly.† The toughest part seems to be to get the
bear into the canister.† This will usually cost you some of your food or maybe
another Madonna CD.

Question #4† I maintain the e-mail lists for my rock climbing and mountaineering
group.† They are divided up into mountains-north-class1, mountains-north-class2,
and so forth all the way to mountains-south-class5.† Another set of lists is
outdoor-cooking-cutlery-knife, outdoor-cooking-cutlery-fork, etc.† The people
using these lists just cannot put the correct message on the right list.† They
even put knife messages on the fork list!† Can you believe it?† This makes me
so mad I want to remove them all from my lists.† The only problem is then nobody
would use them.† What do you suggest?

- Ana Lyre Tentive

Dear Ana,

My guess is you haven't taken a dump in a decade.† According to my calculations
you should weigh 450 pounds.† Drink a gallon of mineral oil and eat a pound
of Ex-Lax.† If this doesn't make you feel more kindly toward the list miscreants
then a quick trip to the proctologist is indicated.† Make sure he doesn't keep
any nitro, Viagra, or Madonna CDs around.

Questions to BÙtÈ ¿nchourÈ may be forwarded through Rick Booth at rwbooth@attbi.com
or Arun Mahajan at arun@tollbridgetech.com.

Bote Anchour

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